Countdown

About 4-4 & a half years ago I found myself in a place most young men would kill to be in; life of no responsibilities, wrapping up school, rent free home with a car at my disposal that I didn't have to pay for and a string of meaningless sex partners (I got it IN). Then, I fell for one (despite my own advice and best efforts) and was for all intensive purposes happy. Till I realized she wasn't the only one I fell for. This led to months of anguish and difficulty and inner turmoil for me. Easy answers were "jus stay with who you were already with" or "go with the one you love most" and as much as I love an Easy answer (cheap pop) there honestly wasn't one here. I knew each had their strengths and weaknesses but how could I pick based off that? I wasnt comparing 2 meat cutlets at the grocer this was the potential mother(s) of my kids! I also know myself quite well and while I can and have surprised myself with what I can and can't do & handle, I also knew the liklihood of me resenting whoever I chose for causing/making me and losing the other. So we tried to make a go of it as 2 independent relationships. I had idealistically prayed it would work but I knew due to all the circumstances (a lot of which I caused) and parties involved there was less chance of that than....something equally implausible. Knowing that, I jus enjoyed the ride for as long as I could. (What man isn't happy with 2 knives?) Hell it made me a god in the hood and I'm not gonna lie that did feel good but it was a hollow kind of good cuz I knew it wouldn't last and what it was based on/in.
 

Then came the day 1 of the 2 house of cards couldn't stand anymore. I expected it, I didn't fight it. I feel deep down at that point I had made the choice to side with the other and jus didn't know how or what to do with these cards. I still wanted to rebuild em but I knew if I stepped back to try that they wouldn't be there anymore and while I think it was a stubborn and hard headed move I can honestly say I respect the hell out of it. She had more balls than I ever had. She stuck to her principles and even though it hurt like hell, she put me in her review mirror. To this day I miss her, don't care how corny that is. She was difficult and stubborn and challenged me but I never for a second did I have to question if she was down. It was eerie how much like my mom she was and it was even eerier how much I was ok with that. As much as my mom and I can get into it (and believe you me we did) I was always glad to have her crazy on my team. As time passes the intensity fades but the longer won't ever really cease. I've tried to make it anger (and some of it justifiably so) but at the end of the day I kno why it is what it is and that does not for a second change what it was and how much that meant to me.

Per usual I picked myself up and dusted off to move on. I had a budding relationship to work on and now without all of this for lack of a better word drama hanging over it I could at least salvage some happiness and move forward with my life, that is of course until life hit me with another roadblock. While the 2 girls are/were pretty opposite I will always feel like they were each pieces (halves) of me. I kno most would think the 1 left standing was a bigger piece but I'm not so sure that didn't grow to be that way rather than be that way from jumpstreet. Anyway, the relevance of that was that she and I could communicate on a level seen by few (if any) and that caused us to be seen as that ideal couple (which was funny to me because as the other relationship was seen that way to many because of how hard we loved...interesting). Question is what do you do when you face an un-communicateable challenge? Expressing ones words and feelings doesn't/wont do it, what do you do then? Answer, you flail and fight against the current as best you can, till it eventually overwhelms you. We often don't show who we truly are in times of peace but in times of crisis. No I didn't say it, (think it was MLK or Teddy Roosevelt) point is when times are rough how you handle shows your true character. I'm more than willing to admit I wasn't great on this stage, with either of them. Its not like I suck but I'm very much my fathers son in that when shit gets too be too much I jus stop. I don't talk I jus sit in suspended animation so as *not* to scream and shout and say somethin I'll regret. Sounds good on paper but to these 2 that silence cut like a kitana (really really sharp sword) and made everything considerably worse. Fast forward through 2 years of this. These ups and downs. Toss in a bunch of underlying insecurities then dash in frustrations and let simmer. Did I mention the trust issues? I always forget the trust issues, but anyway now you've got yourself a big ass pot of hot steamy mess. That kind of mess that infects the whole house (or whole floor for those of you in apartments) with its stench. Then imagine if that smell jus kept spreading and didn't dissipate. I mean sure you've febreezed it out and its gotten better but you often still smell it and you *know* its there. After a while enoughs enough and your ready to move. (Not to mention burn your clothes)

Now we come full circle. The amount of strain and venom that's been gone thru, the amount of frustration and sadness has left me back at the beginning (solo) *nothing* like the guy I was when I started (in some good ways and many [many] horrible ones) the main thing I've learned was somethin I already knew but couldn't fully identify with until I experienced; "women can be your greatest strength and your biggest weakness...simultaneously" Despite it all I still very much love both of these broads and I'm fairly young (altho my boy has said 25 is the new 38) so who knows what's or who is in store for the future (altho I foresee a hermit life with a terrible beard) but I do know this as corny (and gay... No offense homosexuals) as it may be "its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all"

@ItsJus2Easy