Have you ever tried sleeping....

Sleep has never really come easy for me (see the podcast) and ya I definitely didnt wanna be all romantic or lame but as I said in numerous of my older posts Im an insomniac because I cannot stay out of my own head and it causes me immense amounts of grief in my sleep cycle. In terms of the title I know what your all already thinking and yes Im goin there and I dont care what you think of me for it, and by there I mean this is gonna be a sappy, emotionally relieving (revealing) kind of post. This is a post that is meant to try to resolve (some of) my sleeping woes (prolly wont work, but heres hoping) by alleviating some ish thats on my head and heart.


Now as Ive said at naseum I think too much, I over-think. I take overthinking and make it look like passive thot and that is my cross to bear but unfortunately my sleep cycle decided to bear it with me. Now since starting my ascent into adulthood Ive been moving kinda like a newborn deer taking its first steps and doing that I obviously fell a bunch of times by which I mean I obviously jus effin up royal. In doing that I've been able to grow and see the results of that effin up not to mention learn and improve (obviously) and I constantly am able to look back (in a non regretful way) and say "If I knew then what I know now". In doing that I do feel a slight sense of remorse and sadness for my role in everything I've f*cked up to get to this point Im at now.... Truth be told tho, this post is only about the girl(s) Ive messed with.

I have decided to dedicate this to all the "tings", flings, 1 nite stands, sex buddies and failed relationships (long distance, short term, long term) Ive had. There arent as many girls who fill this as you think (yea I realize whomever reads this thinks Im a gigantic whorebag....I'm a medium sized one thank you very much) but I'd like to address them nonetheless. In terms  of the flings and "tings" (no relation or pun intended) I'd like to say some of you served your purpose of being fun and exciting while most (practically all) of you were frustrating as hell! If people could jus say their not interested anymore that would save so much irritation (myself included cause I did jerk some of them around, even less pun intended) and really and truly most of you and myself have gone our separate ways into the abyss known as life while some are still acquaintances and some are even friends. I guess what I want to say to you is thank you for helping me develop my conversational skills but in the end you were all ships passing in the nite and I bid you adieu.

1 nite stands and sex buddies, ya'll are a little higher up on the rankings and as a result I do care more about my mistakes a bit more (only a bit). I dont have many 1 nite stands (in fact I'm not too sure if I ever really did) but if I did there isnt much to say to ya'll other than thanks for the ass and PEACE (I cant imagine much of them actually reading this or remembering me for that matter) but as far as sex buddies go thats a much different animal because usually many of you ladies have are jus that, buddies. Now I've had a fair amount of sex buddies in my time and they've served their purpose.....most of the time. For those of you who don't know a sex buddy, f*ck friend, friend with benefits any of those is basically someone who you know and get along with but are attracted to enough to strip down and do the naked hokey pokey but you keep all the emotions of a relationship out of it. These are seriously my favourite kinds of friends (no offence to my boys) but these girls have usually shared my mentality of sex being a fun act and not a start for us to pick out colour swatches and matching drapes. The sex buddy code consists of availability and reliability and keeping feelings and sex seperate (I actually have a mock contract, no I didn't draft it but I will enforce it). If you cant do that then having 1 of those isnt for you but I digress the point was to acknowledge how much I've enjoyed my sex buddies and that they've taught me things that I can and have used in life and the bedroom; and that is just maintaining control of myself and my emotions and that business and pleasure can mix but if you aren't careful of the amount your gonna have a shittastic (patten pending) concoction where feelings get mixed in and that has happened to me numerous times from both sides, luckily I know better now. I apologize if (when) I may have disrespected or under-appreciated any of you, its all bless now.

Then theres my (failed) relationships, essentially the point and reason why this post even came to mind. Now I havent been in that many so those of you WILL know I am talking about/to you and this is where I apologize for my tendency to shut down and shut ya'll out. I have a tendency of gettin sappy (ugh) when in relationships and lose my balls gumption and forthright ability to tell the truth and that has reared its ugly head in ALL of my encounters with the fairer sex and as a result done its damage. Now I highly doubt any of em will even read this (they all didnt end too well :S) but if they do I hope each of them know I apologize for all my miscues both independent and based off your miscues (not to pass the buck or anything). I also realize I grow tired and weary of people fairly quickly so it's not anyone's fault (trying to alleviate the buck) but that doesn't excuse any of my effed up movements to which I apologize....really.

1 ex stands out among the trees like a forest with a distinct tree with extra branches (I wish I could find that Simpsons clip with the radioactive tree). To that 1 distinct tree girl (most of you who know me well will prolly be jumping up and down and shouting at the screen like an obnoxious contestant on a gameshow or even worse those who watch at home because you know her) I say (to you) I'm the sorriest and I miss you the most. Truthfully this is the main reason I wrote this post, because due to my tendency to explore my head repeatedly I often don't sleep properly and set up nites just finding myself trying to get past it/over it/through it and let go of that flicker of hope that its just temporary which is painful as f*ck and really makes the following song hit all the closer to home (which Im sure was Ms.Keys' intention since shes so damn talented and brilliant lol)  Jus gotta let it burn....No Usher




ItsJus2Easy