Open Letter

To whom it may concern,

I have no intention on sugar coating or pulling any punches, I still love you and I miss you (stupid polyamory, allows me to kno that it's not only possible but not wrong) That being said I'm pissed. When major moments and milestones in life happened you weren't there, and why because of pride and ego (yours and mine but moreso yours, you kno its true) Obviously I get why, anyone with a brain would but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. These shits are work, HARD work. Pausing doesn't mean quitting, it means piecing oneself back together to keep trying.... I was insanely broken and needed time to heal so I could keep pushing forward. I get people think I'm indestructible (why I have no idea) but even Superman gets weak.

Shit hasn't gone the way (any)one would expect and damn sure didn't go as hoped. My ideal still mocks me. I kno what I wanted was much but it could've been something special and redefined how people look at this sort of thing. Because "nobody does it" isn't reason enough not to try something major. Would there have been bumps? Fuck yea! Starting with the one *I* caused, but I truly believe it could be gotten past and had I not been 21, I would've been better able to navigate it, hell I prolly could've avoided it altogether (I did warn everyone and no one wanted to listen to me which goes back to me being pissed... at the 3 of us... mostly me. Why the hell wouldn't *I* at least listen to me). I hate being that "If I knew then what I know now" person but I have to wonder, if I did, what would be different? How far or close to my ideal would it be? I hate goin down that road, but I can't stop doing it. Who could? Can you? Have you? 

The affect you've had on me isn't right nor fair (fair is so arbitrary and full of bullshit a concept. I'm so done with it). I get I fucked up but at what point does it stop haunting me? Whenever bad shit happens I go "It's my penance" I badly wronged someone who didn't deserve it repeatedly but I honestly and wholeheartedly have spent 6 years trying to do better and make amends. How much good do I have to do to counteract the bad? Thing is, I'm not sorry. I am sorry for the act and the trust I broke, I'm sorry for the feelings I hurt, I'm sorry for all the subsequent painful process that followed, but I'm not sorry I chose to keep loving her and I'm damn sure not sorry I stayed with her, with or without K.J. (I get you're hurt & done but I expected some sort of congrats on him, that shit cut deep) I figure it's still this way cause there's still bad feelings. Has to be, there's no other explanation (none that I'll believe anyway). No one's over this. YOU CANT GET OVER THIS. You can move on, you can live but getting over won't happen so the bad won't stop, jus go on breaks (pun intended)

I don't have an ending to this nor even a real point. I jus had to get some of this shit outta my head (it was startin to look like my dad's basement in there). There's prolly more letters where this came from in me (I kno there is) and I'm torn about writing or even posting em but I've come to a point where I'm tired of pulling punches or softening blows to spare people's feelings including my own, if you ever see this and it messes with you sorry, but not sorry shits jus what I think and feel. I know there isn't a high liklihood we won't ever get back what we were but one can hope that at some point we can try to be something new. I kno its idealistic and naive but I wouldn't be me if I didn't think it were possible. If you don't want that then you don't, sucks but thats all that can be. If you dont see it, no biggie wasn't mailed so its not like I was desperate for you to. 

It Only Gets Easier... or so I keep trying to tell myself.

2ELN